Interviews Talkin' Crap


Interview by The Troll

“The Troll” is a pseudonym of the late Paul Autry

I don’t get excited about too many things. Making fun of handicapped people, porno, Nikolai vodka and, of course, Martin Lawrence movies. However, when I was told that I would be doing an interview with GWAR’s Oderus Urungus, I was beyond thrilled. When I found out that I had to call him, I thought, “What a cheap bastard!” So, I went out and bought a calling card, since I currently don’t have long distance due to the fact that I forgot to pay the phone bill for about three months. Anyway, with vodka in hand, I sat down and gave Oderus a call…and I got a freakin’ answering machine. How lame is that? GWAR has an answering maching…and a rather simple, stupid message to boot. Can’t answer the phone? Fuckin’ pussy. I left a message saying that I’d call back in a few minutes, which I did, and I got the answering machine again. I left another message and, this time, I was smart enough to leave my phone number, which I didn’t do the first time. Sure enough, a few minutes later, I get a call from GWAR’s tour manager, who told me that Oderus was busy doing two other interviews. Uh, yeah, like we really believe that. He knew he had to go one on one with The Troll and…well…why do you think they wrote a song called “Poopie Britches?” ‘Nuff said.

Anyway, the tour manager asked if I would like to speak with Beefcake The Mighty and I thought, well, I wouldn’t “like” to, but, what the hell…why not. I didn’t have anything better to do. I was just sittin’ around the house getting drunk and listening to The Dead Milkmen’s “Bucky Fellini” album. So, the tour manager gave the phone to Mr. Mighty and, like Ozzy Osbourne would say, “Let the madness begin!”

Beefcake The Mighty: Who is this?

The Troll: It’s The Troll.

Beefcake The Mighty: The Troll? Ballbuster? Is it your position to bust my balls?

The Troll: Yes, it is. Well, actually, the column that we’re doing this for is called “Talkin’ Shit.” Basically, I’ll annoy you for a little bit and you annoy me for a little bit. Got it?

Beefcake The Mighty: Shit. I’m already fuckin’ annoyed!!!

The Troll: Well, good. So…you’ve already done about seventeen shows on this tour and you’re in Illinois right now, right?

Beefcake The Mighty: East St. Louis. One of the most beautiful columns on the map.

The Troll: Where is it again?

Beefcake The Mighty: East St. Louis…you know, the murder capital. Now, listen to me, you are fuckin’ annoying! Are you recording this?

The Troll: Yes, I am. Why? Do you want a copy?

Beefcake The Mighty: I feel sorry for your listeners…uh…or all five people who listen to your interviews.

The Troll: That’s funny. I was gonna say the say the same thing about Gwar.

Beefcake The Mighty: (moans in disgust) Awwww! That hurts, Troll.

The Troll: Yeah, well, has there been anything interesting happen on the tour so far or just the typical, normal, necro-bestial anal butt sex?

Beefcake The Mighty: I’m glad you brought that up, Mr. Sajack. Actually, it has been a canibalistic blood orgy of sorts. Always, always…and never not fun. In fact, while we climbed into the super, gigantic rock star bus with the hologram deck underneath and the halo pad on top, we were flyin’ on down the highway and the fuckin’ whole drive train blew off last night. So, we sat on the side of the road, cookin’ intestines, waiting for the trail bus to come and pick us up. Ah, it’s crazy. Awful.

The Troll: How has the fan reaction been so far to “War Party?”

Beefcake The Mighty: It’s been fuckin’ great, man. It’s been fuckin’ great.

The Troll: I’ve written about it and, to me…and I haven’t heard your last two albums because, I guess, the record company was too fuckin’ cheap to send ’em.

Beefcake The Mighty: That’s Metal Blade’s fault. Metal Blade was droppin’ the ball everywhere. I guess since this is a recorded interview, I will be quoted, huh?

The Troll: More or less.

Beefcake The Mighty: Whatever.

The Troll: I was gonna ask you about Metal Blade Records. You’re now on DRT Entertainment now, right?

Beefcake The Mighty: Yes, DRT Entertainment. They’ve been spectacular for us. They realize the fabulous talent of Gwar and the handsome overtones of fake fuckin’ something…that I can’t fuckin’ think of right now. It’s all done with mirrors.

The Troll: Are you drunk?

Beefcake The Mighty: Drunk??? Drunk on the blood of stupid phone interview people.

The Troll: Uh, huh. Okay. I was gonna ask you about that. What happened with Metal Blade? I must not have been paying attention or something.

Beefcake The Mighty: Metal Blade lost their nuts. No testicles. They lost their overseas distribution. What the fuck is that? They sign all these stupid fuckin’ single artists, you know, ____________ (insert name here, cuz I don’t have a fuckin’ clue what artist Beefcake was talkin’ about) and what the fuck? He’s from Sweden, but, you can’t get his fuckin’ album in Sweden because Metal Blade has the fuckin’ pull. They can’t release anything over there. That’s what fucked Gwar overseas for quite some time. Now, with DRT, the three powerheads of DRT, they have distribution. Of course, they are having trouble getting the record out right now, I don’t know why. Heads will roll. But, they seem to have a lot of better connections and the world wide distro…and the album’s gonna actually be released to Europe, Japan and beyond sometime within the next week or two.

The Troll: That’s great. Well, I’ve heard the bulk of your material, with the exception of the last two albums, which I’m downloading for free off the internet. But, “War Party,” I’ve said it’s your best album in terms of musical quality…and that’s saying a lot when you’re talking about Gwar.

Beefcake The Mighty: Gee, thanks, man.

The Troll: Yeah. What’s all this sudden…to me, it seems more serious. I mean, shit, you guys wrote a song like “Fucking An Animal” for christ sake.

Beefcake The Mighty: “Fucking An Animal” for christ sake? I don’t remember that being the entire title. But, it’s damn close. You know, Gwar went experimental and goofy for awhile, we did that to please some things. That’s because we were all drunk on goat piss for quite some time. With the writing of “Violence Has Arrived,” we decided to come back and do what we can do…and that’s write metal. Be a fuckin’ metal band. Then we tightend it all up on “War Party.” We’re really confident with this record, we’re really happy with it. We enslaved Glen Robinson to produce it again. He did “America Must Be Destroyed.”

The Troll: Which is one of Gwar’s finest.

Beefcake The Mighty: Indeed. Thank you. So, he came into the studio for a nominal service charge, of course, which was stolen back from him and he was sent on his way. He’s fuckin’ Canadian anyhow.

The Troll: I was thinkin’, is the reason you guys decided to go serious with your music is because…well…a lot of the reviews I read where people were blowin’ you off were basically because of the stupid lyrics and they weren’t really paying attention to the music. Where as, this time, and I know this is the wrong word to use when talkin’ about Gwar, it seems like a more “coherent” record.

Beefcake The Mighty: Then why do you fuckin’ use it?

The Troll: Because I’m drunk and that’s all I can think of.

Beefcake The Mighty: People have NOT given us credit at all for being musicians, for our musicianship. They write it all off as goofy shit. This is goofy shit and that’s goofy and, aw, he’s fucking an animal, you know. But, real Gwar fans know when they listen and they come out to a show. People even accuse us of fuckin’ lip synching to the music because we’re in a costume. Costume what???

The Troll: Well, you’ve gotta admit, you are just a bunch of guys in big rubber suits. I mean, let’s face it, get real.

Beefcake The Mighty: Rubber suits? I have nothing but for you except hatred and hard blows with a big rubber club that does absolutely nothing.

The Troll: Well, to get back on your good side, I guess I should tell you something that will make you happy. What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and a picture of Jesus Christ?

Beefcake The Mighty: ……

The Troll: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Beefcake The Mighty. Woah!!!! Woah!!!! Well…oh, God!!!

The Troll: Hopefully, you’ll repeat that on stage tonight. That is, if you can remember it.

Beefcake The Mighty: Damn. I got one for you. A guy goes into a bar and he sees Hitler sitting there, stop me if you’ve heard it. He walks up and says, “Hey, you’re Adolph Hitler!” Hitler says, “So, what?” The guy says, “So, what? You died in World War II.” Hitler said, “Nah, I survived, I snuck out of the bunker.” So, the guys says, “What are you gonna do now?” Hitler says, “I’m starting the Third Reich over. I’m starting a Fourth Reich. I’m gonna kill ten million Jews and three clowns.” The guy says, “Three clowns???” and Hitler responds, “Yeah…see…nobody gives a fuck about the Jews anymore!”

The Troll: That’s funny. Anyway, another reason I was thinkin’ you guys went serious with your music is…I mean…you’ve been doing this for a long, long time and then, all of a sudden, Mel Gibson comes along and makes more money than you’ve probably seen in your entire fuckin’ life.

Beefcake The Mighty: Mel Gibson? Yeah…I’ve flogged his flaccid poop root several times.

The Troll: So, have you see his movie “The Passion Of The Christ?”

Beefcake The Mighty: You mean “The Punching Of The Christ?”

The Troll: I would assume that it would be something that Gwar would admire.

Beefcake The Mighty: It was a beating. It was a fucking all out beating.

The Troll: It’s like watching a snuff film. But, you’ve gotta admit, it was more gruesome than “Phallus In Wonderland.”

Beefcake The Mighty: Gruesome, entertaining, exhilarating…call it what you will.

The Troll: Okay. I noticed that a lot of your new songs, well, you have titles like “Bring Back The Bomb,” “You Can’t Kill Terror,” your album’s called “War Party.” Is Gwar actually paying attention to what’s going on in the world today?

Beefcake The Mighty: It’s fueled by pure hatred. There’s a lot of hate in the album.

The Troll: For?

Beefcake The Mighty: For? For everything! Hate for the nation, hate for the world, hate for the globe, hate for your leaders, hate for their leaders, hate for hate’s sake. There’s actually a lot of lyrically intense content on this album. There’s a lot of intense fuckin’ chord progressions, stops, music whatever, you know what I mean. It’s a pretty fuckin’ solid record. “Violence Has Arrived” has kind of led the charge to bring back credibility and “War Party” will sure as hell secure that.

The Troll: I agree…I guess. Now, as far as the lyrical content goes, is that stuff that Gwar believes in or is that stuff that the guys in the big rubber suits believe in?

Beefcake The Mighty: That’s something that the Lord Of Chaos has brought forth in his infinite wisdom. We back everything he says, does and otherwise.

The Troll: So, what are your views on…I assume that Gwar gets on an airplane. Are you afriad of being blown out of the sky or some smelly fuckin’ Muslim with a rag on his head.

Beefcake The Mighty: Rags on heads. You’re being…a rag on his head. Ah, I saw a rag on someone’s head here. Blown out of the sky with out bat shaped helicopter. I don’t care. They’ve been around for centuries. Rag on a head, means nothing to me.

The Troll: Okay, that’s good. You guys shot a video for “War Party” in, of all places, Times Square and…

Beefcake The Mighty: Yes, and the standards don’t like it. MTV accepted it for Headbanger’s Ball or some kind of drivel program that they have and then the standards said, “You know what? I think I saw a rubber baby or someone’s butt or someone spit towards the camera.” TV hates Gwar, MTV hates Gwar, the fuckin’ media hates Gwar, no one wants Gwar on tv, you don’t want Gwar on tv, no one does.

The Troll: You guys were on the fuckin’ Joan Rivers show.

Beefcake The Mighty: No one wants to see that shit. They’re fuckin’ afraid of us. You can put some fuckin’…you know why Slipknot’s on tv, you know why Mushroomhead…lowly…I shouldn’t even bring that shit up. It’s fuckin’ harmless, that’s why. Everybody knows it’s some fuckin’ dork in a suit. Fuckin’ dumb shit, playing a loop tape, whatever. Spray pop on me. How come? I don’t know, here’s pop, let’s just throw it around.

The Troll: But, Gwar was on tv. You were on the fuckin’ Joan Rivers show and I have a clip of that somewhere. Did you do her?

Beefcake The Mighty: Do her? How eloquent. Did you do her. No, I didn’t fuckin’ do her.

The Troll: Well…what…it’s Gwar we’re talkin’ about here.

Beefcake The Mighty: Oh, is that what we’re talkin’ about now?

The Troll: I guess.

Beefcake The Mighty: Thanks. It’s nice of you to remind me.

The Troll: I tend to forget that you’re the sensitive one in the band.

Beefcake The Mighty: Turd!!!

The Troll: Turd?

Beefcake The Mighty: Sensitive about what?

The Troll: Well, you’re the one who was in the back of the bus crying. You know, “The Road Behind” video.

Beefcake The Mighty: Yes, it’s true. I was crying because…well…I don’t wanna get into it. The crying’s all over. Now, it’s all hatred. I’ve learned to take my sensitivity, take my inner fears and stuff them in a way deep, deep, dark place and never think about them again.

The Troll: If you say so…anyway…since you are out on tour and this interview will see the light of day while you’re still out on tour, what can we expect to see this time?

Beefcake The Mighty: Well, not to give away the whole live show. But…everything!

The Troll: Uh, okay. Can you be a little more specific?

Beefcake The Mighty: (laughs) Do you mean can I “______” on the subject?

The Troll: Huh? I can’t even spell that word. But, go ahead.

Beefcake The Mighty (to someone else) What? I told you he was here. I was talkin’ to him when you walked up

The Troll: Huh?

Beefcake The Mighty: Flattus Maximus butting in with some ridiculous, half baked, something or other coma drivel.

The Troll: He’s probably just mad because no one offered to do an interview with him.

Beefcake The Mighty: What was your question?

The Troll: I had a question?

Beefcake The Mighty: The tour. Current. Gwar’s fucking current. We’re on the current fucking shit. Ah…we’ve got fantastic things. It’s what you wanna see, it’s what you need to see, it’s what you have to see. Where are you at, anyway?

The Troll: Uh, Pennsylvania.

Beefcake The Mighty: Did you see it?

The Troll: No. You weren’t close enough, dude.

Beefcake The Mighty: We were in Philidelphia, State College and Pittsburgh.

The Troll: Not close enough to where I live.

Beefcake The Mighty: Do you live in Pittsburgh?

The Troll: I live on the other side of the state.

Beefcake the Mighty: By Philidelphia?

The Troll: Nah…that’s a few hours away.

Beefcake The Mighty: Where?

The Troll: Nosy fucker, aren’t you?

Beefcake The Mighty: How far are you from Albany, New York?

The Troll: Too far. Don’t worry, dude. I’ve made a note. Before I leave this earth, I will make it to a Gwar show. That’s a goal I have in life.

Beefcake The Mighty: If you gave half a fuck, you would have come out to some of those shows that were close to you.

The Troll: Hey…I do give half a fuck. I’m talkin’ to you on the phone now, aren’t I?

Beefcake The Mighty: Obviously, it’s money based.

The Troll: Dude, I don’t get paid for this shit. I should though, huh?

Beefcake The Mighty: Well, then it’s based on stupidity…and that’s even better.

The Troll: Yep. So, some of the stuff you’re making fun of…are you making fun of stuff like those beheading videos? They seem to be a pretty popular sport these days?

Beefcake The Mighty: What’s funny about that?

The Troll: Well, they’re almost better than porno. You’re watchin’ some guy cry like a little bitch who got her cherry busted by a drunken uncle and then…slice…off with his head.

Beefcake The Mighty: Well…

The Troll: See, Gwar’s not the only sick fuckers that are floating around out there.

Beefcake The Mighty: That is funny. I admit, that is funny.

The Troll: So, what’s this about Arnold Schwarzenegger being out on tour with you? Is it really AH-NULD or just another guy in a big rubber suit?

Beefcake The Mighty: The last action hero Grope-a-nator. He shows up now and again. The next Uber-Lord of the nation. Uh…I hate to cut this short, but, I think I said enough at this point. You haven’t offended me. But, I hope I’ve done the job to offend you.

The Troll: Nah…I’m okay. I like Gwar. So, final comments then for all the retards who will be reading this?

Beefcake The Mighty: You smell bad…even over the fuckin’ phone.

The Troll: Well, I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.

Beefcake The Mighty: I wish I could return the favor.

The Troll: Even though I was hoping to speak with Oderus because we all know he’s the boss.

Beefcake The Mighty: Don’t kid yourself.

The Troll: Okay, well, have fun on the tour. Rape and pillage…and do what Gwar does best!

Beefcake The Mighty: Fuck fun. Enjoy. Later.

The Troll: Okay, see ya, dude.

Well, that was more fun than I thought it would be. Beefcake The Mighty was mighty brave to spend a few minutes of his time covering for Oderus Urungus, who was “busy doing other interviews.” Yeah, right, and the Pope doesn’t molest little boys either. Hopefully, Oderus will one day see the error of his ways and, when the crack high wears off, he will subject himself to a “Talkin’ Shit” interview. But, for now, Beefcake The Mighty is the better man…in a big, rubber suit.

Anyway, in case you give half a fuck, Gwar’s latest release, “War Party,” is, in fact, one of the best albums of their career. Don’t let this silly little interview fool you, they mean business on this album and, like Beefcake stated, there’s some intense lyrical content on this album. Gwar’s not trippin’ on silly, whacked out tunes this time around. They mean business. They’re throwin’ some pure, agressive metal at you and, like Metal Church would say, “Hear the time bomb begin to tick. I’ll hit you like a ton of bricks,” or something like that.

Even though my actual review of “War Party” can be found elsewhere on this website, I decided to post it again here, with this interview, since I know most of you are probably too fuckin’ lazy to go and look for it just to see what I had to say. Besides, I’m too lazy to try to come up with another way of telling you how great it is and I have no problem whatsoever with repeating myself. So, here you go.

I was looking forward to writing a totally creative review on this release because, after all, this is GWAR we’re talking about here. However, I had to flush my creative thoughts down the toilet like a fresh turd because this is, with all due respect, a very simple album to write about. Does that mean it’s bad? Does that mean GWAR has lost their edge? No, no, no…not at all. GWAR simply put on their heavy boots and cranked out a seriously excellent metal album. Didn’t think they had in ’em, did you? Well, it’s true. From start to finish, “War Party” is a celebration of everything metal. They’re kickin’ ass and countin’ the corpses of those they roll over. This is the most focused album they’ve ever done. Hell, I’ve gotta admit…I’m rather fond of releases such as “Scumdogs Of The Universe” and “Ragnarok.” There’s some crazy shit on those albums. But, to be honest, “War Party” just blows that stuff away. There’s a lot of good material on here to sink your teeth into. The best tracks, in my opinion, are “Bring Back The Bomb,” “Lost God,” “You Can’t Kill Terror” and the title track. Don’t take my word for it though. Check it out for yourself and bear witness to GWAR’S finest hour.

That’s all. You can leave now. Who’s next???

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